My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.