Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
You Might Also Like
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Swedish for common sense.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.