me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Challenge accepted.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
won’t smith
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour