My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
The game has officially changed 😎
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell