I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
⛄️
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.