[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
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Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
In Canada they just call them geese
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
bout dat hot dog summer
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space