Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT