4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it