My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
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When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.