Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you