Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
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Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
anyone else like Italian cereal
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.