I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.