Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Hey i am sexy to you now
What about second breakfast?
My biological clock is wheezing.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
The 6 types of sex
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What