Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
S O O N
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos