Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
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What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.