ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
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Well, my evening plans are ruined
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning