Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
You Might Also Like
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
This is the one
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.