I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I can’t be the only one 😂
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.