All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
You Might Also Like
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.