Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
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Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Watson was Holmes schooled
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Bring back the McRib
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars