Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.