As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!