I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.