Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
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Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.