gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
#NeverForget
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.