If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
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Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
work smarter, not harder
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.