2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
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My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
forgive me baja for i have blast
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Finally, a door that understands me
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies