Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
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Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
me before I type out affect or effect
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.