I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
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Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.