3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
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mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,