Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
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Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Imma just leave this here…………
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”