*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬