Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up