Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
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New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.