Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
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I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher