HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
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When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Generation gap…
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Breaking news:
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can