[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
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[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it