Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
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If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.