I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.