Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
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I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
This is me 🤣🤣
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.