If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
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*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.