Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
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Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
The struggle is real
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
sigh
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.