Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
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ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.