We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
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i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
A leaf blower, but for people.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.