What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
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Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.