You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
That de-escalated quickly
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”