[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
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Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.