11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
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Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
And then there were 4
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers