I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I feel seen.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Donkey Kong sommelier
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t