Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?